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July 2002
Page 21

Suicide Spirit
by Kelly H.

My mother committed suicide. I had no idea she was at such a desperate point. I wanted her to stay with me, but she wanted to go to her house two hours away. I told her I knew she would never be back. (Why, I'll never know.) The way she looked at me, she said "Oh, yes I will." It is etched in my mind because after she died, so many things happened. I did take her home, and that was where she ended her physical life. She threw herself from her eighth-floor balcony. Her final view was of a gigantic cross on the Catholic school across the street. From the impact of the fall, her watch was broken off her wrist, as well as the gold chain around her neck. On the chain was also a cross that fell from her.

I held the key to her apartment afterward. When I had to go in, I was afraid to look anywhere but at the floor and to do only what I had to and get out of there. One day I went in and nobody had been in there, but a glass angel from her wall unit was smashed on the carpet. I was afraid to get up in the night because I thought I might see her. My husband would have to close the curtains because I was afraid she was looking in. 

I had a dream, and to this day I don't know if it actually was a dream. My daughter was a baby sleeping in her crib. I saw a dark cloud move slowly across the room as it reached her in her crib she cried out for real. If I was sleeping, it was so lightly but the timing of the cloud and her cry was to coincidental. After that I had many dreams where my mother was chasing me. I didn't want to hear what she wanted to tell me. She insisted that she was running out of time and that she had to tell me something. I kept refusing to listen because I was angry for her leaving us the way she did. In my dreams I tried to dodge, fool, and hide from her, but it was impossible. She was always a step ahead of me and knew my next move. 

Finally, the dream came when she said I had to listen. She grabbed me by my shoulders. I closed my eyes and plugged my ears like a little kid so I couldn't hear her. She showed me her teeth and told me she would bite the cheek off my face if I didn't listen. Her voice was inside of my head. She said, "I don't work for God anymore. I work for the other." These where her exact words, and that was what she wanted me to know. After this, many happenings occurred. Typical doors opening, strange candle flickerings, misplaced objects to be found in ridiculously obvious places and the like. I think she visits from time to time now. In many of the pictures I take of my children, and my brother's children there is a dark shadow sort of in the corners, or orbs.

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